The Avengers smashed several box office records last weekend and also got us all pregnant, apparently. But at least one group didn’t understand what was so great about Joss Whedon’s superhero project. Even though the Department of Defense has participated in movies like Iron Man (the F-22 Raptors dogfighting) and Battleship (a cameo by Ray Mabus, Secretary of the Navy), when it came to a movie about superpowers, Norse mythology, interdimensional travel, and aliens, they couldn’t get past their questions regarding the bureaucratic structure of S.H.I.E.L.D. No, really, that’s the part they considered too unrealistic, so they halted cooperation with Marvel.

The comics have always been vague about the bureaucratic structure of S.H.I.E.L.D., and for good reason. Keeping it open-ended allows for a wider variety of story lines and helps keep the comics timeless instead of overly couched in the current events of the past. The Pentagon didn’t care for this vagueness, however:

“We couldn’t reconcile the unreality of this international organization and our place in it,” Phil Strub, the Defense Department’s Hollywood liaison, tells Danger Room. “To whom did S.H.I.E.L.D. answer? Did we work for S.H.I.E.L.D.? We hit that roadblock and decided we couldn’t do anything” with the film. [WIRED]

It’s too late, Pentagon. You can try to quit, but you’re already pregnant.

In addition, we found these pictures of the Avengers in high school:

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Courtesy of Edgar Wright’s Twitter feed, we get this email.

So, we guess Disney was sitting on it until “The Avengers” was a hit? That was kind of crappy, Disney. Now pay the man whatever he wants and let’s do this thing.

[Context]

The Avengers smashed several box office records this weekend, but, more importantly, gives me an excuse to post a few funny pictures I found this weekend. Stick with us, folks. This is going to be a long one.

The most impressive record they smashed was the one for the biggest opening weekend of all time. Disney estimates the film raked in $200.3 million at North American theaters over the weekend, compared to the previous largest opening of $169.2 million ($172M after inflation) for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2. It would have probably done even better if IMAX theaters had enough seats to meet demand.

We’re not sure how much they would have made with sufficient IMAX seating, but do you know who’s awesome at math and could help Disney, Marvel, and Paramount count all the money? This guy:

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The Avengers opens tomorrow in the US (or midnight tonight in some fancy places with more than one horse in town. Oooo la dee da, city boys). As of yesterday, the movie has already grossed $260.5 million overseas. Over $42 million of that was on Tuesday alone. (May 1st is a holiday in several countries. It’s also a holiday at UPROXX. It’s the day we beat interns with pool noodles dipped in gravy. Happy Saint Kilmer’s Day, y’all!)

Below is a TV spot and a featurette highlighting the supervillain Loki played by Tom Hiddleston. We don’t seem to be as excited about this as Hawkeye is . . . .

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What’s hitting shelves this week?

• DC’s “Second Wave” of the New 52 starts hitting, with four new books: “World’s Finest”, “Dial H”, “Earth 2″, and “G.I. Combat”. We’ll be curious to see how these books do in the market.
• Marvel continues “Avengers Vs. X-Men”, and fires up both “Exiled” and “Hulk Smash Avengers”, a miniseries about settling your problems with negotiation tactics and respect.
• Image starts “Epic Kill” and “Mind the Gap”, and also rolls out more “Bulletproof Coffin”.
• IDW has more “Star Trek” and “30 Days of Night”.
• Dynamite reboots the pulp hero “The Spider” into his own comic.
• And BOOM! launches both Garfield #1 and continues publishing “Fanboys Vs. Zombies” for some inexplicable reason known only to them.

What are you picking up at the FLCS today? Let us know in the comments!
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OK, OK, so the official title for this Marvel moment is “Long Way Down”, but apparently, Iron Man quits his job, and we’ll be interested to see what Fraction does with this chestnut of a plotline.

Most superheroes decide their self-appointed role as protector of the innocent sucks at some point and chucks it all. Iron Man actually quit, as opposed to drinking himself out of the job, at least once that we can recall. It’s a tempting plotline for any writer because, well, being a superhero is expensive, inevitably painful, often degrading, and usually costs you at least one personal relationship either by ruining your dating life or by some supervillian killing your significant other.

That said, this plotline doesn’t have as much power because the hero almost always comes back. The one notable exception was Jack Knight, the ’90s Starman, who decided to quit and…well…that was the end of the series. We’ve seen Jack at a couple of funerals since then, but that’s pretty much it. James Robinson wants him gone but not dead, and DC editorial, shockingly, has actually respected his position.

Somehow we doubt Tony will retire to a life of running a consignment shop and grinding Pepper like he should have decades ago, but we have to admit, if anybody can breathe new life into this plot, it’s Fraction. We’ll see one way or the other May 16th.