Okay, first I should admit that wasn’t a real quote in the headline, but it is what I heard in my head after I smashed it against the desk, and that’s close enough to reality for me. Certainly more realistic and planned out than any Stephenie Meyer prose.

For those blissfully unaware, Twilight is the seizure-inducing sparkly vampire franchise which totally invented werewolves. The movies are made by Summit Entertainment, which was bought out last Friday by Lionsgate for $412.5 million in cash and stock. Negotiations go back to 2008, but Summit was ready to sell now that their last movie in their big franchise (Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2) will be releasing this November. You may know Lionsgate as the company that has made about eleventy bazillion Saw movies. So it should be no surprise they’re now looking to milk the Twilight franchise long after what Summit planned to be the final movie. The LA Times asked Lionsgate CEO Jon Feltheimer about the possibility of extending the franchise:

“It’s hard for me to imagine a movie that does $700 million-plus [Ed.- "Breaking Dawn Part 1" has made $697 million so far, and this is why we can't have nice things.] doesn’t have ongoing value. It’s an amazing franchise that they have done a great job of maintaining with absolutely no deterioration. So the simple answer is ‘Boy I hope so.’”

The Times reports an insider told them a TV adaptation could happen. Lionsgate does have a television production unit (whereas Summit did not), so the Times asked Feltheimer if a TV adaptation was possible. He responded, “I would certainly hope so.” I imagine, after saying that, his eyes rolled back revealing dollar signs and coins flew out of his mouth to the sound of slot machines and a tugboat horn.

[Image credits: LOLblog and Pleated-Jeans]

Talk That Talk: Top 5 Notable Quotables Of 2011 |Smoking Section|

8 Pop Culture Droste Effect GIFS That Will Blow Your Mind |UPROXX|

Passive-Aggressive Last-Minute Gifts For People You Hate |UPROXX|

Will Ferrell’s Spanish movie still looks caliente |Film Drunk|

@Storytime: Ice Cube Might Have To Use His AK On David Stern |With Leather|

This Is Why You Don’t Propose Marriage on National TV, Doofus |Warming Glow|

The TSA Let Freddie Gibbs Keep His Weed, But With A ‘C’mon Son’ Note |UPROXX|

Kobe Bryant’s Wife Wants Out, Wants Half |Smoking Section|

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter poster is cool, I guess |Film Drunk|

Tim Tebow Is A Terrible Influence |With Leather|

UK’s Hottest Redhead is Leaving ‘Doctor Who’ |Warming Glow|

A Very Calvin & Hobbes Christmas |High Definite|

The FPS Russia Montage Of Destruction |GorillaMask|

The Most Terrifying Celebrity Faces Of 2011 |Buzzfeed|

This is How You Giftwrap a Copy of Portal 2 |Technabob|

Holiday Gift Guide for Fanboys and Fangirls |Moviefone|

We’re Never Going Back. 8 Sh*tty “Lost” Knock-Offs |Pajiba|

No One Is Buying Lindsay Lohan Edition Of Playboy |FARK|

Adult Swim Internet Treasures – 15 Best Web Contents of the Week |Adult Swim|

VIDEO BELOW: Cat scream yawns |via I-Am-Bored|

Read the rest of this entry »

ABC is reporting cases of seizures related to photosensitive epilepsy being triggered by the childbirth scene in Twilight: Breaking Dawn, which opened this weekend. The scene in question is the one in which Edward bites Snorkels The Vampire Fetus out of Bella after she breaks her spine, and this isn’t a spoiler of any plot points because YOU SHOULDN’T CARE. In the scene, bright flashes of red, black, and white appear on screen (totally original color scheme, bro), and it is this combination and the speed of the flashing which is being blamed for seizures. Because apparently despite the fact that photosensitive epilepsy is pretty common (one out of every four thousand people), they still didn’t bother with one simple Harding Test before releasing the movie worldwide. Oh, sparkly vampires, will you ever stop sucking?

And now, some specific examples of seizures reported so far:

A California man, Brandon Gephart, was reportedly rushed to the hospital after getting sick while watching Breaking Dawn’s birth scene. The screening ended when paramedics arrived to help Gephart. “He was convulsing, snorting, trying to breathe,” Gephart’s girlfriend Kelly Bauman told CBS Sacramento. “He scared me big time.” Gephart admitted that he has no interest in seeing how the movie ends. [THR, emphasis mine]

Hmm, boyfriend with photosensitive epilepsy, or man of genius who figured out how to get out of seeing the whole movie? Your call, internet.

In Utah, a married couple told ABC-4 in Salt Lake City that bright, graphic scene caused the husband, who doesn’t want to be named for fear he could lose his job, to pass out and led to his entire body shaking. “I didn’t really remember what happened after that I think I blacked out. According to her, I was shaking and mumbling different noises,” he told ABC-4. [ABC, emphasis mine]

Is he afraid of losing his job because they might find out he had a medical issue, or because they might find out he went to a screening of Twilight? We’re thinking the latter.

[Sources: ABC4 via THR, ABC via io9, Pleated-Jeans]

Today’s issue of paranormal comic The Goon (written by Eric Powell and colored by Dave Stewart) will take on sparkly boy band vampires and their fans.  The comic is returning to its every-other-month publishing schedule, and the next issue will be co-written by Beasts of Burden’s Evan Dorkin.  But enough about the next issue; what about this righteous Twilight smackdown?

Having the title character beat up what he calls “sparkly vampires” proves way too easy [...] In fact, the showdown doesn’t last much more than a few pages. Instead, the brute of some conscience spends most of The Goon’s 34th issue fighting something much worse: The monstrous tweens that made Twilight such a pop-cultural phenomenon. That’s a much nastier battle. [Wired]

A few panels from this issue are below.  I would be buying the hell out this comic today if I hadn’t spent all my money on five-gallon buckets of glitter.

Read the rest of this entry »

Did you know Twilight-writer Stephenie Meyer wrote another book after the Twilight series which was called The Host and was #1 on The New York Times Bestseller List for 26 weeks?  Did you also know we are doomed?  DOOOOMED.

Anyway, we somehow didn’t notice the book’s release back in 2008, but now we have no choice: it’s coming to theaters.  Open Road Films is distributing, Andrew Niccol (Gattaca) is writing and directing, and Saoirse Ronan (Hanna, The Lovely Bones) will star.   This totally-original sci-fi story opens in a post-apocalyptic world where an unseen alien race called “souls” are invading the bodies of humans — body snatching you might call it — and few un-snatched humans remain.  Ronan will play a newly-snatched human who is able to resist the alien:

When Melanie, one of the few remaining “wild” humans, is captured, she is certain it is her end. Wanderer, the invading “soul” who has been given Melanie’s body, was warned about the challenges of living inside a human: the overwhelming emotions, the glut of senses, the too-vivid memories. But there was one difficulty Wanderer didn’t expect: the former tenant of her body refusing to relinquish possession of her mind.  When outside forces make Wanderer and Melanie unwilling allies, they set off on a dangerous and uncertain search for the man they both love. [Official Press Release]

Oh, Stephenie Meyer, always the feminist.  The whole human race is ending, but we need to find a boyfriend.  Let’s take this alien parasite off on a trip to find some of the last remaining humans who’ve managed to avoid alien parasites so far.  That’s not treason; it’s true love.

The film is set to release on Easter weekend 2013.  I’m sure they’ll have such great writing to base the script adaptation on:

Read the rest of this entry »

Summit Entertainment (the people you can firebomb thank for the Twilight movies) has acquired the rights to Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card (who will be one of the producers, so at least there’s that).  The screenplay adaptation and directing will be handled by Gavin Hood, who was previously responsible for Tsotsi and for a movie that totally never happened called “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” but that movie never ever existed anyway la la la I can’t hear you.  Summit appears to be looking for another kid-centered series since they’ve milked Twilight for all the abstinence parables and tanned abs they can.

The book was about gifted children being trained as military strategists on a future Earth where we are at war with an insectoid alien race.  I don’t know why I’m bothering to mention the book since Hollywood is probably going to change it into something unrecognizable.  As a Deadline commenter astutely points out:

Abandon all hope.
Dear Fans,
You might love this book.
But all Hollywood sees is “Harry Potter in Space”.

FML.

[via TheMarySue, banner via PennyArcade]